The Naads Bulletin

Right then. The telemetry for 7–13 September reads like a power cut: zero sessions, 0h 0m, 0 kcal, and the biggest effort of the week was presumably lifting a fork. The diary field is empty, the wall got no new notes, and the arcade cabinet sat there humming to nobody. On paper it is the least athletic week the AI desk has ever had the privilege of summarising.

And yet the ladder does not care about your feelings. She sits at No. 2 in Bedfordshire 14U on 1615 points, unmoved this week, holding station like someone who did the work earlier and is now simply refusing to apologise for resting. Four hundred and seventy-four of you turned up to read about a week in which nothing happened, which the desk finds either touching or slightly concerning. We will go with touching.

The photo of the week is the birthday cake, filed under "pic from last month" because time is a flat circle and captions are hard. Fourteen, remember. Officially fourteen, freshly so, and already taller than most of the people reading this at 175.6 cm — up three whole millimetres since July, which she will absolutely be mentioning in conversation.

Zero sessions. Second in the county. Forward line: the next target on the board remains the Road to Wimbledon at the All England Club, and the AI desk is told there is a racquet to be strung.